As of last night I was writing a few snippets and such about Find Your Sense of Tumour, which turned out to be a pretty great experience all in all. However, having woken up this morning to then immediately endure one of the worst panic attacks I think I've ever had to suffer through, I thought I'd change the tone of this entry and talk about something that's a bit of a grey area for cancer survivors.
The very thought of having to endure some kind of psychological issue has always shitted me up a fair bit. Obviously no one goes through their life without avoiding some kind of mental trauma along the way, no matter how devastating or inconsequential it may be to their everyday life. The fact is, every human being has a unique psychological bedrock that's equipped to deal with certain challenges or obstacles (or whatever you'd like to call them) in an ostensibly myriad amount of ways.
But is that really true?
I would agree to a certain point. The resilience of the human mind is an incredible thing to behold, and something that I've recently seen first hand amongst some remarkably headstrong individuals. Saying that though, an experience such as cancer or anything that not only brings one's mortality into question, but also their ability to perhaps live a normal lifestyle, can be potentially devastating to the manner in which they compose themselves and deal with issues that are mostly flatulent or paltry. What I'm getting at, and this is beginning to concern me on a personal level here, is how does one keep a hold on things when there is seemingly no end to the problems that are piling up on the horizon?
To make this explicitly about me, then. I worry about a lot of things. Uni, for example. Have I made the correct decision in coming back this early? Can I juggle treatment with a steady routine of work? Can I keep myself motivated to work through the random bouts of pain in order to keep on top? If the last few days are anything to go by, then most certainly not. And that's not all. What about life after uni? How can I work if I'm being consistently perturbed by little niggles that have a worrying tendency to develop into drawn out calamities? And then there's a potential family life. Will I be able to even start a family, let alone provide for one?
A whole amalgamation of worries there that might seem a bit overblown, yes I admit. But I can't deny the fact that for me right now it's the elephant in the room, and the more I try to leave it and ignore it the more it begins to have an ill-effect on my general well being. I can deal with with a bit of anxiety here and there no problem, but full blown panic attacks during the morning routine of Rice Krispies and tea? Nu uh.
I'm not entirely sure what I want to achieve with this post. I usually use this blog as a form of lighthearted release - a jovial look into the world of a cancer survivor. Very rarely do I use it as an attempt to reach out and make real sense of the horrors that this awful affliction can bring to the table. But now, maybe more than ever, I think I need to know if there is a right way to do this or a wrong way to do this and, more importantly, if I'm actually doing it right or doing it wrong. Some guidance would be a bit tidy.
Sorry if this seems a bit unhinged. I'm not doing nearly as bad as the mood of the writing suggests, and I'm as confident as ever that I'll pull out of this with my head held high. It's just difficult to be reminded that all this cancer business doesn't just end with the word 'remission'. It sticks with you for a long, long time. Maybe not in your bone marrow, but certainly in your head.
I just hope I don't become part of the cliche and have it define who I am as a person.
Big love,
Ryan.
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